this is one of my favorite songs of all time at the moment as the lyrics are so true. its called "the best is yet to come" by hinder
My first make-out session I learned my first lesson
While trying to get to the next base
When I slipped past her waist
She smacked my hand away
Then I got a slap in the face
If I could go back in time
Wouldn't change a damn thing in my life
Love the dumb things we do when we're young
But the best is yet to come
(Yeah!)
My first drinking lesson i followed all my friends
Stole liquor went down to the lake
Weed mixed with Whiskey
Hell I got so dizzy it was more than my stomach could take
If I could go back in time
Wouldn't change a damn thing in my life
Love the dumb things we do when we're young
But the best is yet to come
(Oh!)
Go for it
Run toward it
Dive in head first
Live life with no regret
Put your heart out there
Don't be scared You might get hurt
But it's all worth it in the end!
'Cause the best is yet to come
(Yeah-yeah!)
My last high school lesson
Scared of graduation
Tipped a few back and showed up too late
Well my mom got mad hell my daddy he just laughed
and said, son I have to the same thing.
(Oh!)
Just Go for it
Run toward it
Dive in head first
Live life with no regret
Put your heart out there
Don't be scared
You might get hurt
But it's all worth it in the end!
It'll all work in the end!'
Cause the best is yet to come!
i was sitting at home last night when this song started to play and it got me thinking... that all the crap that has happened in our lives so far may have happened, but the best is yet to come. one day we will be able to sit down and look at all our mistakes we have made and laugh it all off.
In ways for me, this is a comforting thought for me and makes me keen to see what my future might bring. well i don't have much time today...
so
OVER AND OUT!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
AT 2.30AM ITS REALY HARD TO SPELL "LAMB!"
well its 2.19am and i just finshed watching a sad movie about an all boys school during the second world war. Its heavy shit for after midnight, one boy gets raped by his teacher and another gets beatten to death by a minister. A good movie... but not something to watch at this time of day! at least its light out...... what? don't give me that look! its a fullmoon tomrrow watch out for the werewolves..... RaAr!!!!
"im not looking at them i can't tell"
keryn
"don't drop them in the chicken juice"
also keryn
just to fill you guys in there a freshly killed lamb hanging out in keryns carport atm and she told me not to drop the matress in the chicken juice... eg the liquid oozing out of the lamb....
well time to sleep
OVER AND OUT!
"im not looking at them i can't tell"
keryn
"don't drop them in the chicken juice"
also keryn
just to fill you guys in there a freshly killed lamb hanging out in keryns carport atm and she told me not to drop the matress in the chicken juice... eg the liquid oozing out of the lamb....
well time to sleep
OVER AND OUT!
The Tuesday that i can't seem to forget! :(
im sitting here thinking... what should i tell you guys today?
And my mind is completely blank.
I was thinking of typing up a song i wrote but decided against it as i don't wanna offend anyone. any way its called "his lies" and it goes on about how i have lost trust in this one particular person and how now i don't know what to believe. but this is how my life seems to be at the moment, when i think i can finaly trust some-one and tell them almost anything... they go do something that hurts me and i lose my trust in them. Throughout my life as i was growing up it was always the same, i trust people way to easily and then i regret it. i don't know why I'm like this.... but i just am.
I wake up each day and i think about those who i have lost... i think about my best friend over in Brunei and wonder if shes OK, i wake up and wonder how my day is going to end, and about my friends who isn't in the best state at the moment.
it may not seem like it but I'm constantly thinking about others and wondering if they are OK and if i may have offended them with something that i have done or said.
Any way I'm back at school next week, and its going to intresting... my ex is now going out with one of my mates and i still don't know what to think about it. I'm happy for them but im still not sure how i feel about it. I think its going to be hard for the first few days but then ill be o.k, well at least i hope so. It can only get better in the end, all i want is to have one of my best mates back, when he broke up me i didn't only lose my boyfriend but i also lost one of my best mates that i felt i could tell anything.
Before we even went out, he was there when i needed advice on guys and honestly his advice helped. but then he ignored me for weeks i didn't know what to do. to make matters worse when i arived home on the Tuesday that he broke up with me my dad was there and he started shouting abuse at me.. all i could do was break down in tears.
When my mum got home at 5pm she found me in the hallway in a pool of tears and she had no idea what was going on and it took her 2 hours to calm me down. if it wasn't for my mum i would have more than likely had a relapse again. But the next day i went to school and tried to pretend that nothing had happened, but of course i was distant.
i have no idea why I'm posting this. But its all true, and its just what my life is like.
well i got to go
i love you guys XOXO
OVER AND OUT!
And my mind is completely blank.
I was thinking of typing up a song i wrote but decided against it as i don't wanna offend anyone. any way its called "his lies" and it goes on about how i have lost trust in this one particular person and how now i don't know what to believe. but this is how my life seems to be at the moment, when i think i can finaly trust some-one and tell them almost anything... they go do something that hurts me and i lose my trust in them. Throughout my life as i was growing up it was always the same, i trust people way to easily and then i regret it. i don't know why I'm like this.... but i just am.
I wake up each day and i think about those who i have lost... i think about my best friend over in Brunei and wonder if shes OK, i wake up and wonder how my day is going to end, and about my friends who isn't in the best state at the moment.
it may not seem like it but I'm constantly thinking about others and wondering if they are OK and if i may have offended them with something that i have done or said.
Any way I'm back at school next week, and its going to intresting... my ex is now going out with one of my mates and i still don't know what to think about it. I'm happy for them but im still not sure how i feel about it. I think its going to be hard for the first few days but then ill be o.k, well at least i hope so. It can only get better in the end, all i want is to have one of my best mates back, when he broke up me i didn't only lose my boyfriend but i also lost one of my best mates that i felt i could tell anything.
Before we even went out, he was there when i needed advice on guys and honestly his advice helped. but then he ignored me for weeks i didn't know what to do. to make matters worse when i arived home on the Tuesday that he broke up with me my dad was there and he started shouting abuse at me.. all i could do was break down in tears.
When my mum got home at 5pm she found me in the hallway in a pool of tears and she had no idea what was going on and it took her 2 hours to calm me down. if it wasn't for my mum i would have more than likely had a relapse again. But the next day i went to school and tried to pretend that nothing had happened, but of course i was distant.
i have no idea why I'm posting this. But its all true, and its just what my life is like.
well i got to go
i love you guys XOXO
OVER AND OUT!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
my o so fabulous day
well today..... i woke up...... got dressed and tied back my hair.
then i headed into town with my mum and brought myself a mocha.... yummy!
then we headed to the farmers market and got our veges for the week. on the way home we stoped at the b.p for petrol and i got two cans of mother for $3.60 in total! (this is my o so unexciting life...)
this afternoon i got to hang out my buddie keryn where we had random outburst of
"I DON'T NEED PROTECTION! I WAS CHOSEN FOR THIS!!!"
"___________o___________ im a what?!?!?!?!?!"
"DON'T GO TO CLOSE THAT LEMON TREE!!"
the one in here back yard and strange looks as we wondered down the road in matching fluro green tops! Keryn is on a sugar high atm (note to self never give keryn energy drinks...) and for once this week we wernt humming/singing/whistling the wedding march...
well i have nothing else to say for now. I might post a better blog later!
OVER AND OUT
then i headed into town with my mum and brought myself a mocha.... yummy!
then we headed to the farmers market and got our veges for the week. on the way home we stoped at the b.p for petrol and i got two cans of mother for $3.60 in total! (this is my o so unexciting life...)
this afternoon i got to hang out my buddie keryn where we had random outburst of
"I DON'T NEED PROTECTION! I WAS CHOSEN FOR THIS!!!"
"___________o___________ im a what?!?!?!?!?!"
"DON'T GO TO CLOSE THAT LEMON TREE!!"
the one in here back yard and strange looks as we wondered down the road in matching fluro green tops! Keryn is on a sugar high atm (note to self never give keryn energy drinks...) and for once this week we wernt humming/singing/whistling the wedding march...
well i have nothing else to say for now. I might post a better blog later!
OVER AND OUT
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Why can't we live in a positive world?
I was talking to a good friend of mine last night, when we got onto the topic of depression and how difficult it can be to admit when we are felling down or not in the mood to talk. for some people depression can be caused by bullying, family matters, relationships and more. or more serious matters. but for those unlucky people it can lead to self harm, drugs, eating disorders and even suicide. families can lose loved ones due to depression and peoples confidence and trust can be destroyed due to a few simple actions or words like domestic violence.
wouldn't life be so much better without depression in our world?
without it, so many lives would be safe and the world would be a better place.
but I suppose the world will always have depression in it even if it is so disliked by many people. from personal experiences my own depression has made me a stronger person in ways in weaker in others. now i personally have difficulty trusting any male from what happened to me as a child, it may not have been as bad as other peoples experiences but it affected me enough to the stage when i wouldn’t talk to any-one on days on end and no-one was allowed to touch me. not even my mum as i was afraid of what they might do and that they were going to hurt me, in the end I wouldn't let any-one even comfort me, so my mum organized for me to go see a counselor. but at the age of 8 i didn't want to tell a stranger about what happened because I was afraid of my dad finding out and what he might say or do to me. I went through four different counselors until I found one I could trust and talk to.
meanwhile i was hiding from my parents the self harm I was conflicting on myself. it started of with simple cuts on the thighs hidden from the naked eye and slowly increasd to the stage where i would burn myself on the edge of the fireplace or with a lighter in the summer months.
this went on for a year until I finally found the courage to tell my counselor what i had been doing to myself. a year of my thighs covered in cuts and 1st and 2nd degree burns that thankfully didn’t scar.
I had endless nights of when i was crying in pain but each time I refused my mums comforting arms around me but after two and a half years I was finally on the slow road to recovery.
but still to this date when someone asks me if I’m ok and its obvious I’m not I still have trouble admitting that I’m not ok and that I’m on the verge of breaking into tears.
i have learnt that "life isn’t simple"
now my life is full of bright colors and comfort and support from my mum brother and close friends. now my bedroom is painted yellow and my walls are covered in photos of my close friends and happy memories of my childhood. my room is never silent for my thoughts to wonder as t always have music playing in the back-round. I have positive quotes scattered everywhere to read when I’m feeling down. these are just some of the things I do to ensure that I don’t relapse for a third time again or have any more thoughts about suicide.
so "why can we live in a positive world?"
I don't think ill ever know the answer to that, but I’m still going to keep trying and search for the answers in my future. as one of my mates says "L.T.S!" life’s to to short, and he’s right! its to short to be afraid and depressed from past experiences. we all break down at times, but we need to stay strong! for ourselves and for others. weekly I ensure that I personally donate $10 to the Ronald mc Donald charity fund to help others in hard times and I’m thinking of possibly doing some charity work later on this year around the community.
think about it! how can we make the world a better place?
OVER AND OUT
wouldn't life be so much better without depression in our world?
without it, so many lives would be safe and the world would be a better place.
but I suppose the world will always have depression in it even if it is so disliked by many people. from personal experiences my own depression has made me a stronger person in ways in weaker in others. now i personally have difficulty trusting any male from what happened to me as a child, it may not have been as bad as other peoples experiences but it affected me enough to the stage when i wouldn’t talk to any-one on days on end and no-one was allowed to touch me. not even my mum as i was afraid of what they might do and that they were going to hurt me, in the end I wouldn't let any-one even comfort me, so my mum organized for me to go see a counselor. but at the age of 8 i didn't want to tell a stranger about what happened because I was afraid of my dad finding out and what he might say or do to me. I went through four different counselors until I found one I could trust and talk to.
meanwhile i was hiding from my parents the self harm I was conflicting on myself. it started of with simple cuts on the thighs hidden from the naked eye and slowly increasd to the stage where i would burn myself on the edge of the fireplace or with a lighter in the summer months.
this went on for a year until I finally found the courage to tell my counselor what i had been doing to myself. a year of my thighs covered in cuts and 1st and 2nd degree burns that thankfully didn’t scar.
I had endless nights of when i was crying in pain but each time I refused my mums comforting arms around me but after two and a half years I was finally on the slow road to recovery.
but still to this date when someone asks me if I’m ok and its obvious I’m not I still have trouble admitting that I’m not ok and that I’m on the verge of breaking into tears.
i have learnt that "life isn’t simple"
now my life is full of bright colors and comfort and support from my mum brother and close friends. now my bedroom is painted yellow and my walls are covered in photos of my close friends and happy memories of my childhood. my room is never silent for my thoughts to wonder as t always have music playing in the back-round. I have positive quotes scattered everywhere to read when I’m feeling down. these are just some of the things I do to ensure that I don’t relapse for a third time again or have any more thoughts about suicide.
so "why can we live in a positive world?"
I don't think ill ever know the answer to that, but I’m still going to keep trying and search for the answers in my future. as one of my mates says "L.T.S!" life’s to to short, and he’s right! its to short to be afraid and depressed from past experiences. we all break down at times, but we need to stay strong! for ourselves and for others. weekly I ensure that I personally donate $10 to the Ronald mc Donald charity fund to help others in hard times and I’m thinking of possibly doing some charity work later on this year around the community.
think about it! how can we make the world a better place?
OVER AND OUT
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
well its Wednesday morning and i just went to sign in at school but to learn that pretty much all my classes clashed!!!!
so now I'm taking: English A
Music
Bio
Catering
Photography
and maths...
I just hope i get some decent people in my classes this year.
My classes were meant to be: English A
Math A
Chem
Music
Photyograpy
and food and nutrition!
So right now I'm not to happy! but i cant stay angry forever. Any way.... yesterday there was a thunder storm and because I'm the strange crazy person I am.... I went running and got completely soaked, when i steeped onto the lino at home there was a puddle of water around me in seconds! But the bonus of that run was, for the 1st time in ages i was truly happy and didn't want to stop but i started shivering and needed to have a shower to keep warm. But that the thing that i love about heavy rain is, I can go running and forget everything that's going on in my life and for a split second be truly happy. Seeing the rain drilling holes into the soil and gravel on the road that I run on set me free, for once I forgot about NCEA, family and all the crap going on with my hormones at the moment and i just soared and let the water saturate me.
Well thats all i have to say for today!
OVER AND OUT!
so now I'm taking: English A
Music
Bio
Catering
Photography
and maths...
I just hope i get some decent people in my classes this year.
My classes were meant to be: English A
Math A
Chem
Music
Photyograpy
and food and nutrition!
So right now I'm not to happy! but i cant stay angry forever. Any way.... yesterday there was a thunder storm and because I'm the strange crazy person I am.... I went running and got completely soaked, when i steeped onto the lino at home there was a puddle of water around me in seconds! But the bonus of that run was, for the 1st time in ages i was truly happy and didn't want to stop but i started shivering and needed to have a shower to keep warm. But that the thing that i love about heavy rain is, I can go running and forget everything that's going on in my life and for a split second be truly happy. Seeing the rain drilling holes into the soil and gravel on the road that I run on set me free, for once I forgot about NCEA, family and all the crap going on with my hormones at the moment and i just soared and let the water saturate me.
Well thats all i have to say for today!
OVER AND OUT!
Monday, January 25, 2010
questions
why am i here?
why am i in this life?
what is my purpose here?
should i eat now or later?
what should i eat?
what would my life be like if i hadn't meet my step dad?
why am i even writing this?
why do people think that makeing them hate you will make it all better?
why do people lead you on and then tell u that its not what they want?
why? just why do people never take the blame when the bullet is embeded in a skull?
why do we shoot the gun?
why do we tell people we are ok when realy we arnt?
why do we give people permision when its not even what you want and the out-come will afect you?
why is the sky blue?
why does it rain?
is my grandad realy watching over me wherve he went when he passed away?
why did jazz get posioned and have to die? (my cat only two years old when she died)
when will i be truely happy again?
why do people have to ruin things by talking you out of it?
why is there so much hate in the world?
life is so full of unswerd questions.... i wish i knew the answers, but if i did what would be the point in even liveing?
and i gota go again
OVER AND OUT!
why am i in this life?
what is my purpose here?
should i eat now or later?
what should i eat?
what would my life be like if i hadn't meet my step dad?
why am i even writing this?
why do people think that makeing them hate you will make it all better?
why do people lead you on and then tell u that its not what they want?
why? just why do people never take the blame when the bullet is embeded in a skull?
why do we shoot the gun?
why do we tell people we are ok when realy we arnt?
why do we give people permision when its not even what you want and the out-come will afect you?
why is the sky blue?
why does it rain?
is my grandad realy watching over me wherve he went when he passed away?
why did jazz get posioned and have to die? (my cat only two years old when she died)
when will i be truely happy again?
why do people have to ruin things by talking you out of it?
why is there so much hate in the world?
life is so full of unswerd questions.... i wish i knew the answers, but if i did what would be the point in even liveing?
and i gota go again
OVER AND OUT!
time goes by...
hey! this is my first blog so blame if its crap, normally i write lyrics to show how i feel but i need a change. Well I'm not working today so I'm just hanging out with my Buddie keryn. but while im on here id like to say sorry to the people who i have offended or hurt.
i start 6th form this year! yay!! i hope this year goes better than my last and that i can sort out some of the problems that i have with my family, mainly my dad as i would like to rebuild the relationship we had together when i was younger but i don't know if that's possible at this very moment
. if you follow this blog you will slowly get to learn what the hell has been going on with me and what made me into who i am today. with the help of my step dad (surprisingly...) i am a stronger person than i once was, he has help me learn to stand up for myself and not let others rule my life and to tell me what to do. without ken i could still be depressed to this dad or not even alive :(
so thanks ken! i know we may not get on to well at times, but you have changed me and me into a stronger person. if you weren't so strict i don't know how mum would have survived with Ben and i. so thanks
well i have to go! ill try write on this blog as often as i can. even if its juat one a week!
OVER AND OUT!
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